An Open Letter to Donald Trump



Can I call you Donald? I hope so because I won’t call you Mr. President. I don’t know if I should feel sad or angry today. Or just horrified. How do you feel? Do you feel? I sometimes wonder. I mean there is a right side and a wrong side of history, and you ARE the wrong side. Do you get that?

I’m a NASTY WOMAN. I’m talking horrid. Super Duper Nasty. I’m disgusting! And this Nasty Woman isn’t scared of little boys like you. And there are a lot of us. Hillary. Michelle. Beyoncé. Samantha. Megan. We are legion, and we are a helluva lot stronger than you are. We are daughters. We are wives. We are mothers. We are fighters.

And we’re not scared of you.

That’s right. We’re not scared of you. Not even a little. You are a tiny man who used the most undereducated voters to win. You used fear. Good for you, you clown. People like you try to scare people like me. But it doesn’t work. Because I’m smarter than you. I read books. Lots of books with words… all the best words. 

“The split in America, rather than simply economic, is between those who embrace reason, who function in the real world of cause and effect, and those who, numbed by isolation and despair, now seek meaning in a mythical world of intuition, a world that is no longer reality-based, a world of magic.” ― Chris Hedges, American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America

If you understood that, then you’ll get why the entire country is pissed today. Because we just put a fascist in the White House. You won because you pandered to the Americans who think they are being ‘displaced’. You pandered to people who are scared to lose their guns, lives, homes, money, country…anything…

But like I said. That’s not me. I don’t scare easy, and it takes more than a big, orange molester to scare me. I’ve gone up against men scarier than you. I can do it again.

I’m not scared of you because… You are a bigot. You openly hate people based on the color of their skin, or where they were born. That is something ignorant, stupid people do. Smart people look to those different to see what they can learn. Smart people think about how differences make us stronger. Not you. You want to build walls and deport people and assault women and who knows what else since you never really laid out any actual plans. Idiot.

I’m not scared of you because… you are scared of women. That’s right. You are scared of us. You called Hillary a nasty woman because you are scared of her. Of all of us. Of what our power, together, united could do. Will do. You judge women based on their looks. How “Hot” they are to you. (Good thing for you voters didn’t do the same. You fat, ugly, incoherent windbag.)

American women have been putting up with dickheads like you for decades. At home. At work. Walking to work. At the store. You name it. We get told about ourselves all the fucking time. (Just ask all of your ex wives! Two out of three being IMMIGRANTS, I might add.) Now we get to deal with a self-loving, woman hating, dickhead in the White House. And after Obama! He loved us! It sucks, but we’ll manage. Because we are not afraid of you. Hillary Clinton wasn’t scared of you. She’s smarter than you. You know it. She knows it. We know it. Her husband knows it. And speaking of Bill… please, PLEASE stop pointing out that Bill Clinton cheated on her twenty years ago. You hit on your own daughter in public all the time. You don’t deserve my respect. Or my fear. Just my vomit.

I’m not scared of you because... you are not intimidating. You are a joke. You mock people. You make little “jokes” at their expense. (Here’s a clue. A joke is supposed to be funny) You mutter under your breath like a child in trouble. Being afraid of you would be like being afraid of a three-year old.

And finally I’m not scared of you because I won’t let you take my rights aways from me. Or any woman. I won’t let you step on the constitution and I won’t let you try to hurt my immigrant brothers and sisters. My LGBTQ friends and neighbors. I won’t let you forget that BLACK LIVES MATTER. That WOMENS LIVES MATTER. That my body is MY BODY and if you even think of grabbing me by the pussy you’ll regret it.

So Fuck you, Donald. I don’t respect you now and I won’t when you are sworn in. You are a liar, a cheater, an idiot, and a bad salesman. And a bad writer. Your book is a piece of shit just like all of your businesses. Which You’ve bankrupted. And now you get to be in charge of Fucking Over America and our Daughters. And our Sons. You’ve set this country back decades with your bullshit machismo. With your blatant racism.

We had a chance to keep moving forward but collectively chose to move backwards. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And it’s all your fault.




Being a Woman Isn’t A Competition

Apply-Make-upThis morning I read an article over at HuffPo called “I Can’t Wait Not to Be Sexy Anymore” by Anastasia Basil. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I read the title, but I guess I just wanted to be annoyed this morning. It starts out like this:

“I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve been tweezing, shaving, moisturizing, defrizzing, flat-ironing, bikini-waxing, hair-dyeing, gym-joining (notice I said gym-joining, not gym-going?) exfoliating and manicuring since 8th grade, all while sleeping on a silk pillowcase to reduce wrinkles. I’m ready to grow a beard and just RELAX.”

I absolutely hate this kind of thinking. All of these things are optional, right? So do them or not, but shut up about it. And I’m sorry, but none of those things are exactly exhausting. First world problems. She goes on:

“There comes a time in every woman’s life when she has to stop competing with sorority girls, simply because there aren’t enough hours in a day to wax all the hair from a perimenopausal body AND hit up three different Dollar Stores in search of matching birthday party favors.”

For reals? First off, the author gets the entire concept of being a woman wrong. If you are competing with other women, you are just adding to the problem. I am myself, and myself is pretty awesome. I don’t need to compete with other women, and I certainly don’t compete with college co-eds. They are like little lost deer in skimpy outfits. In fact, I met a sorority girl just the other night at karaoke. She thought I was “so cool” and had “amazing hair”. She was correct on both counts, and I thanked her for it. She wanted my number so we could hang out. But she was wasted and I don’t have a phone. The point is that I’m a smart, capable woman and she saw that. Younger women are not the enemy. They are just younger. It isn’t personal.

If a grown ass woman and mother feels threatened by the supposed sexiness of a sorority girl, then she has bigger problems than her time management. The problem isn’t the sexiness of other women, the problem is YOU deciding to compete in the first place. Women shouldn’t compete with other women. We should support each other. I’m not saying you have to get along with every woman you meet, but you don’t have to look at them as a threat either. What a waste of time.

“When I’m getting dressed in the morning, I think: My boobs had their day in the sun. They turned heads, they nursed babies and there was a time when they did not require a harness that would fit a dairy cow… Helloooo strappy, push-up bra with moisture-wicking foam support pads and matching cheekini tummy-tucker.”

I absolutely cannot stand the whole self-effacing Mom thing. Stop making excuses for giving up. And stop complaining about being out of shape and not doing anything about it. If someone else had compared this woman to a cow, I bet she’d be pretty pissed. But she does it and it’s supposed to be funny? It isn’t. It’s sad and super unfunny. If you feel the need to wear Lycra and spandex every time you go out of the house, don’t blame me. Or your kids. Or your husband. Or all of the other women in the world who are younger than you. You don’t have to be uncomfortable. There is no law stating that you must have perky boobs and a flat tummy in order to go on a date. And for god sake, please stop telling the world about it. No one even noticed the way you looked until you pointed it out and gave them a map of your (supposed) flaws.

Old age, I give you my face to wrinkle and my body to sag. If that’s the currency required to watch my kids grow and to continue shopping for holiday-themed shirts, then I’m truly happy to part with the time-sucking struggle for ever-lasting youth.”

Everlasting youth? Currency required? Let me fill you in on a couple of things, lady. First, you could have parted with the “time-sucking struggle” at any moment in your forty years on the planet. There was no one holding a gun to your head, forcing you to pluck your eyebrows and shave your legs. There was no villain behind the scenes pressuring you to get a gym membership then restraining you so that you could never go. It was all your own doing. All your choice.

And for me that what it all comes down to – a choice. You can choose to play the game or not. It’s up to you. There are always going to be younger women than you, no matter how old or young you are. Be their friend, not their competition. Be their mentor, not their mother. Be the example, not the side show.

Reproductive Science

Now that I am back in America I find that I am often reminded of just how long I have been away. For instance, it is no longer alright to tell a child “no”, you must instead “redirect” their attention elsewhere. Being fat is a right we have, and needs to be protected – how dare you take away my rights to trans-fats!? And let’s not forget that we need to be protected from ourselves wherever we go, that’s why it is good we have all of the cameras watching our every move.


It seems to me that America is leading the world in made up facts. You like that? Made up facts? It is all the rage these days. Like, a woman has some super cool power that let’s her choose when she will get pregnant, and this super power “kicks in” when she gets raped so that she won’t end up with a rape baby. How awesome! But this is nothing new. People have been lying to you about women and womens bodies for years. It’s just the American way. I am pretty sure that the mandatory “health” class I took in the 10th grade didn’t cover how a rape can generate it’s own birth control, but if the people in the US Government say it is true, then it must be.

Let’s look at female hysteria for instance. Way, way back in the 19th century women were medically diagnosed with “female hysteria”, a condition who’s symptoms include faintness, nervousness, sexual desire, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble”. In order to cure women of this horrible disease women were given water massages, and vibrators. Other cures included bed rest, bland food, seclusion, refraining from mentally taxing tasks (for example, reading) and sensory deprivation. Thank god the men folk were around to save us from ourselves.

Let’s not forget that just recently The Biggest Idiot in the World  Rush Limbaugh called a woman a slut for using birth control. If being a responsible person is slutty then slap my ass and paint a big red A on my tube top, because I too am a slut. It seems that men out there don’t want women having “too much sex” or sex that isn’t “normal”. Sorry losers. It isn’t 1896 anymore, and sex isn’t just for procreating – thank god. As a woman who is child free, I expect a big, fat THANK YOU card from the RNC for not making yet another spoiled American kid who will suckle at my guilty, unavailable teat for 26 years while I throw money at them so they feel loved.

Let me just sum it up for you – a woman can get pregnant if she is raped. Plan B does NOT cause abortions. Taking birth control does not make women extra horny and want to have sex. Abortion does not cause breast cancer, or prostrate cancer. They want you to think that YOU are too stupid to think for yourself and you need people to tell you what to do.

I hope you are mad, and I hope that you think the republican party is trying to sell you a bill of goods because it is. It is 2012 and women are smart, working, thoughtful people who can do more than just faint on couches, be mommies or jump out of cakes. There are folks out there trying to get us to be non thinking bimbos – women who can’t or worse –  don’t want to think for themselves. But if we use our collective voice we can stop them. We are strong and we are independent. We are wise and we are fighters. We are in charge of our own bodies until we give that control over to the people who are trying to take it from us. It is our job not to let them. A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for submission.

Think about it.

An Open Letter to ‘Lawmakers’

Dear Lawmakers,

My name is Alicia, and I am a woman. For those of you who don’t know what that is, let me help you out. It’s a noun meaning the female human being. Still in the dark? It’s all of those people in the world that don’t have the dangly parts between their legs that entitle them to more rights than everyone else. You know, a penis? Anyway, I am one of those “other” human beings and I am getting a little pissed off with you guys.

First of all, let me just state that we are really tired of a bunch of elderly men deciding what we can and cannot do with our bodies. I mean, what’s it to you?  Is any of your business if I have sex? Have a baby? Have sex while not being married? You don’t see us ladies ganging up on you guys asking what you do with your old, tired, penis now do you? We don’t stage meetings behind closed doors to decide what white men age 60 and over are allowed to do with their penises, and then not invite you to come have a say in it. We haven’t gathered together to decide that every man who wants to have premarital sex must have an invasive penile procedure and discuss his sex life with a Doctor first.

Not yet. But we are starting to want to. 

The right to an abortion isn’t a matter for you to decide. It was already decided years ago. It is a right that we women have. We fought for it for years, and now it is our RIGHT. And you are chipping away at it the best you know how. But I see what you are doing. You are trying to shame women into submission. You are trying to tell the general public that the only woman who will want an abortion is either a slut or a rape victim. Well, I got news for you assholes – it takes two to tango.

Last time I checked a woman couldn’t get pregnant all by herself, she needs a penis. And as I have already stated – men have those. So why are women being punished for an act that involves a man? Why are women being publically slut shamed by politicians? Why does all of the responsibility for sex and now the aftermath of sex lie with the woman? It seems that you guys have forgotten that men are the ones getting us pregnant. And I checked. Nobody is calling men sluts. Nobody is trying to take away any of their rights. Nobody cares how many vaginas a penis sees in its years on this planet, or how many women just one penis gets pregnant.

These laws are not designed to protect an unborn fetus. These laws have nothing to do with abortion rights at all. These laws are all about control. Well let me tell you something, it isn’t going to work. We won’t stand for it. I don’t need a man telling me that I must have a baby. I don’t need lawmakers deciding what is, and what is not moral. I don’t need a bunch of old dudes wondering if women even know when they have been raped. I need you out of my body!

So, while you are FORCING doctors to do procedures that they find evasive in order to dissuade women from having abortions that YOU find immoral, I will scream. I will scream RAPE at you, sirs. For that is what you are doing. You lawmakers are raping me of my rights. You are forcing me to have procedures that are both unnecessary and unwanted. You are forcing me to do these things to obtain a procedure that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and a RIGHT of mine. So, I guess if we women are sluts, you lawmakers are all rapists. 

Don’t like being called names? Well, too bad. You started it. 

I am not a slut just because I have sex. 

I am not a slut if I choose to have an abortion.

Are you are a ‘rapist’ for forcing a woman to spread her legs for an invasive procedure that is neither necessary or wanted? 

Fuck you,