An Open Letter to Donald Trump



Can I call you Donald? I hope so because I won’t call you Mr. President. I don’t know if I should feel sad or angry today. Or just horrified. How do you feel? Do you feel? I sometimes wonder. I mean there is a right side and a wrong side of history, and you ARE the wrong side. Do you get that?

I’m a NASTY WOMAN. I’m talking horrid. Super Duper Nasty. I’m disgusting! And this Nasty Woman isn’t scared of little boys like you. And there are a lot of us. Hillary. Michelle. Beyoncé. Samantha. Megan. We are legion, and we are a helluva lot stronger than you are. We are daughters. We are wives. We are mothers. We are fighters.

And we’re not scared of you.

That’s right. We’re not scared of you. Not even a little. You are a tiny man who used the most undereducated voters to win. You used fear. Good for you, you clown. People like you try to scare people like me. But it doesn’t work. Because I’m smarter than you. I read books. Lots of books with words… all the best words. 

“The split in America, rather than simply economic, is between those who embrace reason, who function in the real world of cause and effect, and those who, numbed by isolation and despair, now seek meaning in a mythical world of intuition, a world that is no longer reality-based, a world of magic.” ― Chris Hedges, American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America

If you understood that, then you’ll get why the entire country is pissed today. Because we just put a fascist in the White House. You won because you pandered to the Americans who think they are being ‘displaced’. You pandered to people who are scared to lose their guns, lives, homes, money, country…anything…

But like I said. That’s not me. I don’t scare easy, and it takes more than a big, orange molester to scare me. I’ve gone up against men scarier than you. I can do it again.

I’m not scared of you because… You are a bigot. You openly hate people based on the color of their skin, or where they were born. That is something ignorant, stupid people do. Smart people look to those different to see what they can learn. Smart people think about how differences make us stronger. Not you. You want to build walls and deport people and assault women and who knows what else since you never really laid out any actual plans. Idiot.

I’m not scared of you because… you are scared of women. That’s right. You are scared of us. You called Hillary a nasty woman because you are scared of her. Of all of us. Of what our power, together, united could do. Will do. You judge women based on their looks. How “Hot” they are to you. (Good thing for you voters didn’t do the same. You fat, ugly, incoherent windbag.)

American women have been putting up with dickheads like you for decades. At home. At work. Walking to work. At the store. You name it. We get told about ourselves all the fucking time. (Just ask all of your ex wives! Two out of three being IMMIGRANTS, I might add.) Now we get to deal with a self-loving, woman hating, dickhead in the White House. And after Obama! He loved us! It sucks, but we’ll manage. Because we are not afraid of you. Hillary Clinton wasn’t scared of you. She’s smarter than you. You know it. She knows it. We know it. Her husband knows it. And speaking of Bill… please, PLEASE stop pointing out that Bill Clinton cheated on her twenty years ago. You hit on your own daughter in public all the time. You don’t deserve my respect. Or my fear. Just my vomit.

I’m not scared of you because... you are not intimidating. You are a joke. You mock people. You make little “jokes” at their expense. (Here’s a clue. A joke is supposed to be funny) You mutter under your breath like a child in trouble. Being afraid of you would be like being afraid of a three-year old.

And finally I’m not scared of you because I won’t let you take my rights aways from me. Or any woman. I won’t let you step on the constitution and I won’t let you try to hurt my immigrant brothers and sisters. My LGBTQ friends and neighbors. I won’t let you forget that BLACK LIVES MATTER. That WOMENS LIVES MATTER. That my body is MY BODY and if you even think of grabbing me by the pussy you’ll regret it.

So Fuck you, Donald. I don’t respect you now and I won’t when you are sworn in. You are a liar, a cheater, an idiot, and a bad salesman. And a bad writer. Your book is a piece of shit just like all of your businesses. Which You’ve bankrupted. And now you get to be in charge of Fucking Over America and our Daughters. And our Sons. You’ve set this country back decades with your bullshit machismo. With your blatant racism.

We had a chance to keep moving forward but collectively chose to move backwards. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And it’s all your fault.




An Open Letter to the President: Congratulations!

Dear Mr. President,

Congratulations! <High fives you> Well done sir. I’m sure you are still busy celebrating with the wife and kids, and Mr. Biden is probably passed out drunk on your sofa but that’s cool. We all deserve a celebration in honor of America finally standing up for itself. It’s been a while. I mean it has to be a little satisfying to hear Lemmy from Motorhead stand up for you.

I’m really excited about the next four years. I expect you are as well. So much to do! But, I suspect it will be easier than the last four years have been. The country seems to be turning a corner when it comes to gay marriage, and for equality in general. You helped with that. You have also been very helpful with the rights for us ladies. And I thank you for that. I shudder to think what would have happened if Mr. Romney had taken office. I’m thinking it would have been a return to the days of back alley abortions.

You are a President of the people, and for the people. I feel like you get me. Okay, not “me” personally, but me as an unmarried woman. I still count as a human being in your eyes. I kind of don’t count at all as far as Mr. Romney is concerned. I am not a practicing christian, I am not married and I don’t have children. I think as far as Romney is concerned I am not a “real” woman.

But you don’t think of me like that. You think of me as someone who might benefit from cheaper health costs, and from FREE contraception. You think that if I get raped I should be allowed to have an abortion without an ultrasound. You believe that my choices should ultimately be made by me.

And that’s why I voted for you sir. You trust me. So, in return I am going to keep on trusting you. I believe in you. And that’s why I know you are going to stop signing laws that put us in jail. I swear, it is my only real criticism of what you are doing over there in the White House. You know what law I’m talking about, right? The National Defense Authorization Act? Yeah, that one. The one that lets you put American citizens in jail without a trail. It sucks dude. What were you thinking there? Why did you do it? It isn’t really you, you know? It’s like on Buffy when Buffy started acting all weird and her friends were all, “what’s up with Buffy…?” and then they realized she had switched bodies with Faith. Like that. It’s like someone forced you to do it. The Barack Obama I know would have never done such a thing. You get me? So fix it man. Do whats right. Be yourself again.

Anyway sir, congratulations. I am a happy and proud American today. Keep up the good work, and please go on The Daily Show a few more times because that would be awesome. Oh, and could you please tell Michelle she is a total badass for me? Thanks.

Loving your work,



Why PBS Matters

If you are not American, or you don’t own a television then you probably don’t know what all the fuss is over in regards to PBS. Presidential hopeful and poster boy for loudmouthed bullies – Mitt Romney –  has stated that if he becomes president he will cut partially Government funded programs like PBS. This has left many Americans confused and angry. Why would you cut %15 funding to PBS, and pour more money into the military? Why? What did PBS ever do to anyone? And how exactly will this solve the debt issue?

Romney has been very secretive about his so-called tax plan. In fact, no one knows what it is. He speaks in generalizations and the actual figures he has let slip don’t make sense. (You can read more about it here) And none of his pushy BS explains why he would cut funding to a good program like PBS. PBS is small channel that is dedicated to learning about the world and learning about the arts. Period. Some of my favorite teachers came to me from PBS: Julia Child. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Bert and Ernie. BOB ROSS. Austin City Limits. Bill Nie the Science Guy. The list goes on and on.

PBS is a free channel that broadcasts all over the US. The shows run all day and all night and usually run commercial free. The shows are all educational in some way, and many promote arts like painting or cooking. It is a fantastic station that relies on support from viewers (like you) to stay on the air. Mitt Romney has decided that he has had enough of cooking in the kitchen with Julia, or learning about the universe from people way smarter than him like Neil deGrasse Tyson. He has decided that Big Bird, The Count, and Grover would be better off homeless. Because that’s what is going to happen. There will be no more Sesame Street, no more Bill Nye, no more American Masters and no more NOVA. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want an America that values guns over NOVA.

It seems to me that maybe America would be better served if we pulled shows like the ones on THE LEARNING CHANNEL. Think about it….  TLC is supposed to be about learning, and education. It says so in their name. But what do you get on that channel? Well, let’s see. We get Honey Boo Boo, Toddlers and Tiaras, Addicted, Sister Wives and Extreem Couponing. If Mitt Romney wants MY vote he needs to start tackling real issues and provide me with real answers. (Oh, and he needs to stop being an asshole, but that’s a whole separate ball of wax.)

Why is Honey Boo Boo allowed to stay on the air when NOVA is not? Why sir are you cutting a tiny program to fix a debt that it will not even come close to covering? I know you don’t like math but c’mon. PBS is the one shining bastion of American intelligence left in a sea of crap that is called Television. Do the right thing here Mr. Romney, save the little station that taught me how to paint fluffy little clouds, make a perfect Coq au Vin, and discover that science is all around me. We don’t need more guns, or more military. We need more fluffy little clouds.

Presidential Hopefuls

The requirements of becoming the President of the United States of America are sparse and simple. You must be a native born US Citizen. You must be at least 35 years old. And, you must have lived in the United States for at least fourteen years. One the one hand, this simple list of requirements is American to the core. When we are young our mother’s say, “You can be anything you want when you grow up. Even President!” And it’s true. With only three easy requirements, technically anyone CAN be president. On the other hand, is that a good thing?

In this day and age of easy information, and even easier misinformation, I don’t know that it is a good thing that anyone can be president. Sarah Palin is out there telling us that Paul Revere was out there warning the British, and Michele Bachmann wants us to remember our founding fathers like John Quincy Adams. These aren’t cases of someone “misspeaking”. These are cases of stupidity. I think there need to be some added requirements to becoming President of these here United States. 

  1. Any candidate must pass an oral test about the history of the United States. This test will be on a fifth grade level. The test shall be given in a public forum, like “Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader.” Here are some good sample questions!
  2. I think the elections need more zazz. The polls are so old school! We should be able to call or text in our votes. And screw the network pundits. I think Ryan Seacrest should be the only election night commentator. He would add tension and excitement and roll “clips” of the candidates eating supper or walking the dog. Awwww.  The candidates will have to preform some sort of live talent – like juggling puppies or spelling Mississippi.
  3. Each candidate will have a live, one hour, televised “chat” with Jon Stewart. He’s smart, quick witted and knows what to ask. And heck, he’s cute and funny!
I think with these added requirements the American people won’t be so easily won over by politician double talk, bullshit and straight up stupidity.